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teenage daughter
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Old 04-28-2007, 02:38 AM
Hunterbug Hunterbug is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope play, Colorado
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Default teenage daughter

Congratulations!
You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this
manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and
answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the
right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please
examine your new daughter carefully.

Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and
less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when
requesting money)?
© sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try,
though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience
a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you
will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which
you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you
concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors,
your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION:
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a
telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN:
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged
daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words
"clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because
they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves
with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because – “Like
I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use.”

When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and
wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently
strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are
confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do
not have time
to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for
her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because – “It is like
so disgusting.” She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants,
because some people might see you and – “Like I'm sure I want my friends to
see
me eating dinner with my parents.”
Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order
pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and – “Ohmygod
he is so hot.”
Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.
Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You
may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the
house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be
wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE:
Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and
"Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that
whatever you
do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY:
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's
sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is
hilarious.
Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for
her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far
as you are concerned never really will.
If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you
expect?
In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under
any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you
just have to look for her.
__________________
Ask not what your government can do for you. Ask how your government can go away and get out of your life.


The unarmed man is is not only defenseless, he is also contemptible.
Niccolo Machiavelli
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